I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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