2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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