If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize