So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
It was confusing and full of hummus
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
