Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
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My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
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Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
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