He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
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Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
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You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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