toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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