"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
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If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
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And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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