Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
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The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
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I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
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