dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
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I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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