I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
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I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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