Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
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I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
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Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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