Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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