dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize