atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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