I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
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There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
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I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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