I could make wine with my vomit
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
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You tried to poop in the sink last night.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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