My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
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His hands were made for my vagina.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
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I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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