Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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