dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
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she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
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He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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