Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
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while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
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He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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