I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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