So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
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He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I party with great urgency now.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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