Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
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