At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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