Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize