Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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