Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
foreskin is a definite game changer
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize