She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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