checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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