If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
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I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
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It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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