I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
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Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
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She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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