i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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