I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
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He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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