Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
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They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
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I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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