I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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