i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
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He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
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Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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