I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
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No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
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I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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