It's like God shit irony all over that family
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
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He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
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We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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