Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
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If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
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The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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