I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
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If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
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Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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