Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
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It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
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Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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