Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
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Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
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I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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