the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
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I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
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Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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