There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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