My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
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Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
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I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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