Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
