On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Screwed.edu
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize