I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
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You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
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I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize