Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
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If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
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I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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